Cynical

The week before Valentine’s Day I was feeling kind of down in the dumps. Lost, angry, depressed…? Not sure which. I think it was more like numb. I did rent the movie “I Hate Valentine’s Day” and spent that evening watching it with my DH. I’m not big on fake holidays that are marketing schemes to make more money for Chinese crap goods and make single people feel worthless. Anyway, this numb feeling had me crying in the car on the way home from the gym. It didn’t help that before I went to the gym I fell (attempting to ride my son’s Rip Stick…don’t ask) and then backed over and destroyed my other son’s new bike he got just one month before on his birthday. At about 2am that morning I was in so much pain in my hand from the fall that I ended up in the ER. I found out I had broken my “anatomical snuff box” in a scapoid fracture – because my hand was spread out when I fell and it looked like I would be in a cast for about 12weeks! Immediately after the ER trip and lots of pain medication later…I came down with a bad head and chest cold. Needless to say I spent two weeks in bed feeling like crap! I was NOT looking forward to our upcoming vacation already but this was going to make matters worse. Well, luckily I made an appointment to have my wrist looked at before the trip and amazingly the fracture had healed. Yep! Four doctors and technicians scratched their head at that one. They even made me take a CT scan just to make sure. I think it was my amazing diet that helped heal me so quickly. At least I got to go on vacation with out a cast on but I still had to deal with two kids on a 9 hour drive across the state of Florida and back. It didn’t help that I was unable to sleep the night before our trip with too much on my mind and I never sleep well in hotels. I was completely emotionally and physically drained when we returned and getting the boys back into doing school has been like pulling teeth. After that roller coaster ride, here I am once again looking around thinking about my life feeling absolutely numb. Words that come to mind are paralyzed, hopeless, agitated, defeated…but most of all…cynical. I feel like I have lost my passion, my zest for life. I have zero motivation to DO anything. Just making it through my day homeschooling and taking care of the house completely zaps any energy I have to do anything anyway. Since I have missed working out the passed few weeks, I am hoping that some of my energy will return. I have approximately 7 weeks to my 1 year anniversary of becoming a vegan and I would like to be able to lose a few my LBS before then so I know I have to increase my workouts in order to do that. On vacation it was very hard to not have dairy or gluten. I didn’t want to starve so I did eat some of those things but it sure showed up on the scale when I got home :o). I remember when I was younger how I had this naive optimism and thought I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. What happened to that girl? I feel like life has beaten it out of me. I’m just so dad gum tired and overwhelmed. I’m looking at my vision board saying things in my head like, “That’ll never happen” and “What were you thinking?” I need something to jolt me out of these BLAHS! To be continued…

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